God is really working in my heart the last few days. You see it has been a crazy summer here in our household. I am excited to begin schooling (sounds funny since we home school we should have been doing something over the summer, alas he have done very little..lesson learn for next summer). I am excited we will be having a routine, places to go on a regular basis, not just the pool or errand (though the pool is fun). Not that I like the busyness of school time but I crave ROUTINE. This Summer has been anything but routine, its been lots of fun, but we have had no routine. We have traveled a lot (the beach in June, Atlanta/Chicago in the beginning of August and now New York). We love to visit, we love to be with people, my kids love to be social (although we are still working on their social skills).
However, with this very social calendar....Did I mention Michael has been traveling for business most of the summer....we all miss him tremendously when he is not around. This summer in particular has been very busy for work for him, and as you can imagine single parenting of young children is exhausting(not that I am not grateful he has a job, I am very grateful). We have had grandparents here to assist in some of the time as well, which we are grateful, but the disciplining and emotional well being is very draining. But I digress, so with this social calendar comes exhaustion from all ends and I know I mentioned at the beginning of the summer we were changing rooms around. We separated the older girls (they used to share a room) and now the little ones are sharing a room, because of this we have had some major sleep issues. The little kids play for a long time when they should be sleeping and Jordan really insists that she does not want to sleep in a room without her sister. She's lonely and misses her sister. Mind you when we first mentioned the idea of splitting them up this past winter they were all excited about the move, but thus far we have had little success in the sleep department so the jury is still out on whether or not we are going to keep it this way. So we are all exhausted and out of a routine makes for a rough household.
Proverbs 6:16 says some of the things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: Haughty eye (we have a lot of that) a lying tongue (yes unfortunately some of that too), hands that shed innocent blood (while no one is bleeding we have lots of bruises), a heart that devises wicked schemes (we don't have much of this one, but we do have a little sneakiness, my kids are pretty forthright with their sin), feet that rush into evil (all the time), a false witness who pours out lies (did I mention the "she did it" that constantly runs in our house) and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers (y'all this is rampant in my house). We've got that last verse pinned up to the wall in my house, it gets ignored all the time.
God has been clearly showing me where I have been letting too much go (because I am exhausted), not correcting enough and that I am one of the biggest perpetrators by losing my temper, frequently. So in my prayers I have been asking God to give me some wisdom as to what happened and he clearly told me, you are trying to do it all on your own, without me. You are not coming to me to rest, you seek to do it all on your own and are not showing your children my ways. I have given you grace and you must therefore give it to them, correct them in love, guide them in truth and do not give up heart.
While this is not eye opening by any means (we have this conversation frequently God and I) and I realize a lot of what I do I don't always do it in love. (Now hang with me here) I love my family, they are my reason for getting up in the morning (but my heart isn't always of a servants heart) it's one of obligation with a little bitterness (that's the exhaustion and a little resentment...I may be being a little too honest here)...the "what about me, when is it my time" pitiness is coming out in full force (did I mention we will begin schooling again in a week) and it's ugly. It's not pretty, mind you I rested when I went to Chicago, the older girls have been in camp this week so I have only had the little ones to deal with (2 is easier than 4), so this little pity party I'm having, God was not amused. I have been reading through Isaiah and Judges and have realized how wicked Israel was (not that I didn't already know) but some of the stories I have never fully read and I realized even though I may not be as vile as some...Sin is Sin no matter how you look at it, and I put I before God, therefore there is a problem.
So for the last few days I have been praying for mercy, for grace, for his love and my love for my family so that I may serve them with God's heart the way he wants me to, to bring him honor and glory. So like I said none of this is new to me....but every once in a while I need a swift hit with a 2"x4", some confession, some discipline and some grace. Thank You God.