Sunday, August 3, 2008
Reflection on God's Perfect Plan
Lately late at night when I am nursing Jaden in the middle of the night for the 2nd or 3rd time I do a lot of praying, if I'm not falling asleep that is. I have had a lot of time to reflect on God's Perfect Plan! I say Perfect because I see what he has planned for me which may not be what I had planned for myself. This is definitely not the life I planned but the life I was blessed with. I think I have mentioned this many times before but after Kaleigh I did not want any more children, her pregnancy was so hard, but after a while I got over it and talked to Michael about another baby, well initially he said NO, but after much prayer, by many people, Michael changed his mind and we had Madison. She was the perfect pregnancy, again God's Perfect Plan to help Michael forget how hard Kaleigh's pregnancy had been. I made a comment to Michael after she was born that had all our pregnancy's gone so well and had we been a little younger I would have had another baby and had four. He almost fell over and was like No because we can barely handle the three we have now. Well as you know God definitely has other plans and as you can see Jaden was our biggest surprise. Well after I was initially shocked and afraid and freaked out, not trusting again in God, I came to anticipate life with four children. I will admit feeling a little overwhelmed and convinced that Jaden was a girl and knowing that Michael would again freak out over a girl (he adores them but a son would be nice), we were blessed to find out that in fact we would have our son! Again, God's Perfect Plan for our family. Well this pregnancy started out great, I felt pretty good, slept well, ate well and had moderate indigestion. Now having found out I was pregnant at the same time I was weaning Madison, having wisdom teeth pulled, finalizing vacation plans that had been in the works for 5 months and finding out I was going to need a pace maker, January was definitely a crazy month. Well as you guessed again, God's Plan was for timing for everything and like my children I through a hissy fit and cried and turned my anger on him. Well like us we love our children no matter what even when they disobey and throw a temper tantrum. So after adjusting to all of these things and the excitement of having a boy, still feeling a little overwhelmed by the fact that we would have 4 children and getting a pacemaker shortly thereafter. Well as you know as we got to the 32 week things started to take a turn, and I again started to worry (as most mothers do) and wonder why would God give us this new blessing and then threaten to have problems with it, I knew he would bring it about for his glory but I was not trusting enough. Well here we are August 3rd and not only did I have my precious very healthy small little boy (I needed to be able to hold no more than 5lbs after my pacemaker got put in - how perfect was that) but I now feel pretty good. I have had so much support over the past month that I have been able to heal well, nurse well (a big concern) and Jaden is starting sleep longer hours at night, just as my help has ended and now I am on my own. So in God's Perfect Plan - not only did I get the little boy we always wanted, the four children I made a passing comment about, health for myself but I have been blessed so much more than I ever deserve. God is so awesome and I don't say that lightly, I am truly amazed why he would love me so much that he would even care enough about the small details as a 4lb healthy baby boy, to keep me in his grace. WHY I always ask, but I always know the answer because as much as I may love my children, he loves me infinitely more, and for that I am more grateful for the cross every day I live and breathe . I know I have not said this eloquently enough but it's just me reflecting in my own way.